I went today to see if I could find a new furnace filter for my brother's house. I took down all the specs and drove out to Home Depot to get one. After wandering around for a while, I finally found someone who knew what was going on and they directed me to the correct aisle....which was conviniently blocked off because they were moving heavy stuff around. So I stood around looking at toilets for a good 20 minutes, until I could finally get in and look for what I needed. They didn't have it. ARGH! But the "expert" agreed with my brother -- that I could take the shop vac and clean it and re-use it. I decided I'd try it and came back to the house.....but after cleaning the filter, I'm not convinced it's obviously still dirtier than a new one. And the house is going to be sitting there for a while again. The problem is, I don't know where to go if Home Depot didn't have it. Where else is there?

ooooooh man....what an emotional night....I just....I just don't know what to say right now...sorry...

Well what's said is said. I shouldn't have gone online last night, but....meh, what're you going to do? I should've thanked Jess before Saienga as well, but I had read his latest post just moments prior to that, so he was on my mind. But Jess, you're a good friend too. And I really didn't need to speak my mind like I said....in case you hadn't noticed, I was being a tad melodramatic...I let a few beers and "night magic" get the best of me. Oh well, that's what having a public journal is all about, I suppose.

So B,B,&B didn't get back to me today. I guess I saw it coming, though, because this morning I got on the phone and talked to a few SA people. I talked to Human Resources to make sure I'm still employed by SA (I am). I called my old store and talked to the new manager there....she doesn't have room for me, but she recommended calling the store on Cedar and county road 50 (by Jeff Beltzer's) and so I talked to that manager. He said he needed to check up on how many hours he'd have available for me and I'm calling back on monday. Then, I figured out how far it was from my house to the SA where my old manager is currently at. It wouldn't be that bad of a drive....about a half hour....but let's say I have to work the 7-3 shift there....I'd probably have to leave at about 6:20, which means I'd get up at about 5:40. Yikes! That would be sucky, sucky, sucky. But it'd be cool to work with him again....he's a good manager...especially if he had enough hours to make me full-time. Yup....that's what I'm looking at right now.

It kind of stinks, but I couldn't just wait until the end of June and then go back and hope everything works out....I had to plan ahead and let these stores know what's up. And now I'm going to watch the twins play-by-play online. We finally won again last night...but the ChiSox won today as well....man, it's going to be a rough second-half.

Man, I'm having nostaligia like none other right now. Maybe because I'm right on the edge of being drunk. I've only had a few beers...but keep in mind I haven't had multiple drinks in nearly 2 weeks. I'm at that point where, if you sit back and think about it.....it seems like you can feel bubbles moving through your body.....from your toes to your forehead. I probably shouldn't be posting right now, but something made me depressed enough to just want to get drunk....*sigh*...I hate being in a big house all to myself. Normally I'd have someone to talk to right now, but I know I don't. Damnit. Why does life have to turn out this way? Why can't it turn out the way you'd envisioned it? Sh.......aw, nevermind. What the heck am I doing anyway....I should just go to bed....but I won't. Damnit. I don't know what to do. I wish she (and friends) weren't going to read this so I could just speak my mind.

God bless friends like Saienga....I wish I could hang-out with him more often...if ever. Awwww. F... I'm going to stop typing right now.

I met Meredith in Castle Rock this evening so that we could spend some time together and talk and whatnot. I'm not gonna lie, the outcome of the evening was definitely not what I was hoping for....and now I'm more than a little bummed out.

On the way home I was listening to Denver Rock station that had LoveLine on. Man, that brought back some memories of Rockford. I think it was the summer after 7th grade I used to go to sleep listening to it on 93.7 "The Edge" down in my oldest brother's bedroom....since he wasn't using it. All of you from Minnesota, do you remember when that station switched to 93X? That had to have been in 8th grade. I remember talking about it in the locker room after baseball practice. Man I was pissed.....I hated that it turned to an all-rock station. It's weird because that's totally my favorite station now. I can't believe I've changed that much.

During that drive back to Colorado Springs, I realized how much I truly enjoy driving my brother's car. I wish I could afford to buy it from him....but I looked up it's blue book value the other night.....yup, I'm pretty far away from dropping that kind of cash. Why does he always have to have cool cars? I wish he still had that '72 Oldsmobile Cutlass Supreme. Now that was a nice car. Oh well...I guess I'll just have to wait my turn...even though I'll probably never have cars like he and his wife have.

Holy crap....I hope all of you have seen the big 'ol harvest moon tonight. I haven't seen a moon that big in a loooong time. Nice and orange too.

If you're blue and you don't know where to go to
why don't you go to where fashion sits:
Puttin on the Ritz

I was doing so well. I thought I had it beat. But then temptation took hold of me and it was all over....I went to the liquor store and bought some beer. Something amazing happened, though. I was standing there in front of the HUGE refrigerated area of Springs Liquor Outlet, trying to see which kind of domestic beer was the cheapest, when I noticed that a lot of imported bottled 12-packs were only a dollar or so more than a 12-pack of Budweiser bottles, so I figured I get an imported beer. Maybe some Paulaner, or something.....when all of the sudden, my eyes settled on a sale sign for all Breckinridge Brewery beers. If you can believe it, it was actually cheaper to get a 12-pack of Breckinridge bottles than a 12-pack of Bud cans. WOOOHOOO! Breckenridge Avalanche Ale is my favorite beer ever. Love it. That totally made my night. It was awesome.
In other news, earlier this week I weighed myself and was horrified to see I was back down to the weight I was when I was in high school....which was bad. But I just weighed myself again two seconds ago and I'm 10 pounds heavier. Explain that to me. In other words, who knows what my real weight is. I know for a fact that I'm not eating less than I was in high school....and I definitely drink a lot more beer. I don't pretend to understand how my body works, but that amount of weight fluctuation is pretty crazy, you gotta admit.
Speaking of craziness, when did the twins start playing so crappy?!? I mean seriously, we've lost 8 of the last 11 games, and it sure looks like we're going to lose again tonight. Maybe this is a good summer to be away from Minnesota, because I wouldn't be able to handle watching highlights of them losing night after night. I guess there's still plenty of baseball yet to be played, but DETROIT is beating us. ARRRRGHHH!

We got some pretty crazy rain here this afternoon. It was so sunny and nice for the majority of the day and then it suddenly got really dark. I finally did make it out the driving range...and man, let me tell you, there were some rough times....but I also had some amazing drives. I should've just stopped after those. I'm sure part of the problem is that I used my older brother's clubs....and he's what, a half of a foot shorter than me, so obviously the clubs aren't tailored for me.....it was a little tough adjusting to them. And, ironically enough, I was better with the irons than the woods. I've always used clubs that were too short for me, but I've been better with the woods because they're the longest. But today that just wasn't happening, so I got discouraged and pulled the 7 iron. Wowzas. For some reason I was just on with them. I'd say I hit maybe 4 or 5 amazing shots, about 10 little dinkers that dribbled several yards, and the rest were in the middle somewhere. But let me say this, I may not hit them far and they may not be pretty, but every single shot was straight and true. The older guys next to me were hitting them 200 yards, but very few of them were straight. At least I had that on them. That's what my roommates back at school would call a "moral victory." And sometimes that's enough for me.

I figured out the average number of words per page on a normal-sized book (one side of the paper) and it's 350. So then I figured out how many words I have right now in my largest work that I've been writing for over a "year" now (there were many months where I wrote nothing) and what I have right now is the equivilant of 63 pages in a book. That means the way I structured my whole story was bad. I know I need to go back and add to the scenes, but I can't really think of more to add....and I'm nearing the end of the plot that I had planned out. Ideally, I want at least 200, preferably 250 book pages done. So what does that mean for me?

Crap.

I'm really tempted to just give up on that plot line, but I still want to finish it. I also began to brainstorm new ideas for a novel-sized story, but I can only think of short-stories. I have one idea that would be great for a shorter, young-adult story....but it's kind of hard to write and not swear. Think about it. Yeah, even if you don't ever swear in real life, sometimes it's easier for your characters to make a point by using curse words. But obviously you can't do that with a young-adult book.....I need to get out of my current frame of mind before I can even venture down that road....

Well, I had an interview today at Mervyn's at 12:30. It went pretty decent, I think. I have to get a drug test done by 12:30 tomorrow. I would've done it today, but I had an interview at Bed, Bath, and Beyond at 2:30, so I decided to get the oil changed in the car instead and by the time I was done with the interview at B,B, and B, I really didn't want to try and search out this place before it closed. So I came home.
The interview at B,B, and B went really well. I don't want to be too optimistic, but I'm pretty sure I got it. So that's pretty exciting. They don't have a set starting wage, though, so I'm supposed to negotiate the wage when they call me back. Hmmm...that could be interesting.
So the day went pretty well. I was so pumped when I got back that I was finally going to go to the driving range, but there was a pretty bad storm to the north and I didn't know which way it was going, so once again I held off on the driving range. Instead I picked up around the house and washed some dishes that had been piling up. So that was good, I suppose.
When I got back, I thought there was yet another job interview offer waiting for me on the answering machine....but, alas, it was some special agent lady contacting by brother because he was listed as a reference for someone's security clearance. I took it upon myself to call her back and leave her a message saying he's currently in Iraq and the chances of her getting an over-the-telephone interview with him in the near future are slim. Hope the dude has some other good references. I recognized the name, I think.
Anyway, that was my day again. I should've gone shopping for food again, but I was tired of dealing with traffic, so now I don't know what I'll do for supper...maybe leftovers...we'll see.

Let me sum this day up well:
So depressed that I couldn't drag myself out of bed until 1 p.m. Watched Shrek 2, then went back to bed to read until 6 p.m. Finally showered at 8 p.m. Have a massive headache and am thinking about going back to bed soon. Oh, and the Twins lost yet again. Oh, and I didn't get any more job offers. I feel worthless.

I went to Denver today to visit Meredith. The visit was.....meh....I was forewarned that it wasn't going to be anything special, so I really can't complain. But I think I talked to her less today than I have in a looooong time....and I was around her for like 10 hours. Try and explain that to me. Yeah. And then when I left it was just like....well, I'm leaving. Bye. And that was that. I dunno....
To make matters worse I was way tired the whole trip home and my mind was jumping from odd topic to odd topic. Like, for example, pretty much the definition of ironic.....ok, during the ride home I was listening to A Tribe Called Quest's album, The Love Movement. It's a great cruising around town album....and it's the one that I would always listen to on the way to Anna's Dad's house in Castle Rock (take Cedar all the way until it ends and take a left) and it was about a 40 minute drive. Now that was a great house...out in the country....lots of good memories during the summer took place there....anyway, I digress...so this house was in Castle Rock, MN. The first city south of Denver is Castle Rock, CO.....I dunno, I thought the circumstances and cities made me listening to the CD a little ironic, but half of you probably have no idea what I'm talking about....so nevermind.
The other thing that was haunting my thoughts for the majority of the drive is my future career. Ah yes, that old fear. The problem right now is, though, the people closest to me have made some comments and are expressing their doubts. The person who most recently made a comment about me not having in future plans, probably didn't realize what that means to me. To make matters worse, even my own father has openly expressed his views on me being a writer. The day he and my mom left for Europe last week, I talked to them for a while. I have no idea how we got on the topic, but he told me that he disagrees with my chosen career path nearly as much as what my oldest brother is doing right now. Hmmmm.....let's compare: Aspiring novelist telling stories for others to enjoy VS. Army officer killing people. Obviously I made that comparison biased and I know that what my brother is doing isn't that bad and it's not what he wants to be doing. But really, how can my dad say that being a writer is nearly as bad as being in the army?! It blows my mind. Then he went on to explain how his two brothers also had some lofty dreams and were just working their current jobs until they could get going on the work they're passionate about. I know he just wants me to be successful, and I also know that the chances of me succeeding in what I'm trying to do are rather thin...but I wish my parents could stand behind my descions. In the past he has made comments about how he'll be surprised if I ever get published, yes, but he's never come out and said that he doesn't want me to be a writer.
Like I can choose what I love to do, anyway. Don't you think I know that it'd be easier if I were a business major or a biology major or an education major? But I was failing economics until I withdrew from the course. I haven't been good at any sort of science course since middle school. I hate being in front of large groups of people and I'm definitely not good with kids. I wish what I was good at (or so I like to think) was more easily applicable to different kinds of jobs. But it's not really. The problem is, though, is that if I'm not destined to be a writer, then I have absolutely no idea what else I'm supposed to do. I'm not really good at anything. Writing is what I do. In the one history course I took at Wartburg, the prof. tried to get me to become a history major because she really like my writing. You know what saved my grades in my two EASY science courses? The papers.
Really, I've known ever since 9th grade that I was going to be a writer. I fought the idea, though, and tried other fields...but I always came back. Do you remember in junior high and high school when the teacher would give you the choice of drawing a picture or doing a write-up for a project? I always did the write-up. It was easier for me.
I dunno....obviously this is an on-going issue for me. Maybe Saienga and I can team up and write screenplays or something. I've known ever since I first met him that he was a better writer than me....but I bet he and I could come up with something really great....maybe....