I stand before you a weary, tired, broken shell of a man. My spirit has been sucked out of me by the evil forces of SuperAmerica. I'm back to living Day-to-Day. I spent all winter looking forward to the summer thinking how cool it was going to be...but that didn't turn out right....in more ways than you know. Now I'm sitting here looking forward to the school year, thinking that it all can only get better. They (the proverbial "they," of course) say life is a journey....well, from where I'm sitting I've been on the same journey for a good 5 or 6 months now and I haven't gotten anywhere. Kind of makes you stop and look at things in a different light, huh? I had all of these grand schemes planned out and here I am back in MN, alone, and in my old routine. Alone. And broke. Just me, my computer, and my mind. Now that's a dangerous combination if I ever heard one.

I think I've mentioned a few times that lately I've been having trouble creating -- excluding a couple instances where I was suddenly inspired, during these past 6 months or so I've been having trouble just sitting down and writing. I'm not saying that's necessarily a bad thing...I think that my subconscious is busy with other issues. I haven't gotten lost in my own writing since last fall. That's a long time, considering that's when I do my best writing...you know, when you kind of zone out and when you next glance at the clock it's like an hour later, and then you read back what you just wrote and you don't remember writing any of it. That's the best. That's straight brain-to-fingers writing. I haven't had that, though. Maybe when I could do that I was deprived of something and the only way I could find release was through that sort of writing. Maybe it's better that I can't tap into that deeper part of my soul right now. Or maybe that deeper part is already tapped through a different outlet. Maybe I lack the confidence in my own future, so I can't create the futures of my characters. I seriously have 4 different solid plot-lines floating around in my brain right now....but I just can't get myself to sit down and write them out. It's not writer's block, though...it's something else.

What I need to do, really, is embrace this uncertainty and use it for something positive. I just can't make myself do it, though. I just want to quit. Not deal with it. Maybe if I ignore it, it'll get better on its own. Maybe if we all pretend that everything is great, then I won't have to sit here and hate the present and look forward to the future. The perpetual future.