The walls had begun to close in. I had to get out. I had to. I didn't care that it was 1 a.m. I grabbed some provisions, made sure I had my newly burned CD of Hardcore rock, and jumped into the car. I wasn't sure where I was going...I just had to get away from Lakeville. Get away from everything. I wanted to go with someone else, but that couldn't happen....but maybe it was better this way. Because we are, after all, alone. No matter how many friends you have or if you have a significant other or if you have children. You're still alone. It's still you against everyone else. You still have your thoughts to get lost in. You were born alone and you'll die alone. That's the way it is. So I left this place alone.

Like I said, I wasn't sure where I would end up...I just needed to not be here. The car turned down Cedar, driving south out of town. I went past county RD 70. All the way until the road ended. And then I took a right. And then another right onto a gravel road and stopped about a mile down. It was times like that where a laptop would've been handy. I was, and still am, in a mystical mood. In the darkness, under the stars, with the quiet swishing of corn leaves around me, my mind was able to flit about without restraints. It was marvelous. I just sat there staring up at the night sky. I even saw a shooting star.

I wrote a poem about that night sky this summer. I only made on copy of it, though, and I don't have it anymore. I wonder now if that was a mistake. If sending it away was a mistake, not writing it.

What I really need to do is not live in the city. Not live in the suburbs. I need to live by myself off in the woods. Uni-bomber style. That's what I would do if I won the lottery. I wish I could do that now. Ever see the movie The Secret Window? I'd be Johnny Depp's character. I'd become a recluse.

It's so much easier to create when there aren't any distractions. And I don't mean distractions like the T.V. or a ringing phone. I mean other people. Family. Friends. Female Friends. I like friends. I like family. But there have been few times that friends have given me the satisfaction I get from writing something great. That feeling of pure joy. Sure family does, but that doesn't count. It's hard to explain. But I've never been let down by creating another world.

Maybe I'm just depressed tonight. Maybe I'm just pissed off. Maybe I'm just sick of the world. If it were financially feasible, I would do what my uncle did right after college....live in a trailer out in the woods. But I can't. I have to drain my soul in the working world. To me, making money is like eating. If I didn't have to do it to survive, I wouldn't.

If you can understand that, then you understand me.