I gotta get this down while it is still fresh. About 5 minutes ago I was alseep and having a great dream. It was about Chad, my friend that died when I was in 9th grade. It wasn't one of my reaccuring dreams about him, either. This one was new. Something about us being in college together.....he worked at the caf and I would see him in the line everyday. The weird thing was, though, in my dream I acknowledged that he had already died because I commented about how I was seeing him as a 7th or 8th grader, not the 10th grader he was when I last saw him. Normally in my dreams about him, he either: A. Doesn't talk, but helps me out in someway, B. Is just a random person that I realize is him after I wake up. C. Has come back from being away somewhere, and we hang out all day. D. He is really sick and I know that in the dream, it will be the last time I will see him. I've had different variations of these 4 kinds of dreams, but they're pretty much all the same. This dream, though, was completely different. I think, maybe I am missing him right now and my subconscious is thinking about all the fun we would be having in college. Right before I moved to Lakeville, Chad and I were still reallly good friends, but we were kind of moving in different directions. It was different than when we were younger. I think that once we would've gotten to this point in our lives, we would have met in the middle. Chad being at the end of his second year in college and I at the end of my first....I think we would've seen eye-to-eye on a lot of issues that troubled us before. I kinda feel bad that I disagreed with him on some stuff back in the day....and now I don't necessarily disagree with his thoughts......like I could've put all that crap aside and we could've been a little closer the last 3 years leading up to his 10th grade year.
Another thing that kind of bums me out....and it has saddened me less since I got to college, but it still hurts me every time I think about it. When I was in Eric's, my brother, wedding I got to thinking: "who would be MY best man." Disregarding picking a brother, because thats what Matthew, my other brother, did when he picked me. I think matthew could've picked a friend for the spot, but thought I would work better for the role. Anyway, I was trying to think of a friend that I would chose. I realized that I really didn't have one. Chad was one of those life-long friends that can never be replaced....I mean we were best friends ever since I was like in 1st grade. I had good friends at LHS...but we never really hung out because I was kind of a loner in that way....and back in Rockford, I had tons of friends because the school was so dang small, but none of them were really close. So here I had ONE TRUE FRIEND. One that would take the fall for so many things.....things that I care not to write here....things that it hurts me to think I let him get in trouble for and I got off totally free.....things that I never thanked him for.......things that I wish I could've done for him, but I was too worried about myself to think about him.......this one true friend.....gone........................sorry.......I'm done.....I had to write that done though, sorry if thats super depressing.....